NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a stern indictment of the cash-grabbing scandal that the student athletics organization was somehow kept completely in the dark about, the NCAA announced Monday the launch of an investigation into why it wasn’t making millions off of the recent college admissions controversy. “After the disturbing…

MLB Players Association Advises Remaining Free Agents To Try Adding Keywords Like ‘Baseball’ To Resumés

NEW YORK—Stressing that the smallest details often help to secure an interview, the MLB Players Association advised the league’s remaining free agents Monday to try adding keywords like “baseball” to their resumés. “You’re going to want to use words that stand out to recruiters like ‘throw’ and ‘glove’—you can even…

Diamondbacks Settle Long-Standing Civil Suit With Offspring Of Bird Hit By Randy Johnson’s Fastball

PHOENIX—Finally closing a sordid chapter in team history, representatives for the Arizona Diamondbacks announced Friday that the franchise had settled a civil lawsuit with the offspring of a mourning dove who died after being hit by a Randy Johnson fastball during a 2001 spring training game. “We know this was an…

Adam Silver Sends League-Wide Memo Just Asking Players Where The Fuck They Want To Play

NEW YORK—In response to a litany of high-profile trades and a general sense of dissatisfaction from many star players, NBA commissioner Adam Silver sent out a league-wide message Friday simply asking players “where the fuck [they] want to play basketball.” “Look, we’re just going to put all this bullshit to rest and…

Advertisement