MILWAUKEE—Emphasizing he was not going to apologize for playing hard, Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Manny Machado denied that he was a dirty player after a late slide into Corey Knebel on the pitcher’s mound. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, that was just a normal spikes-first dive into someone’s shin at the pitcher’s…
TULSA, OK—Wondering why nobody bothered to tell him about the far easier alternative this whole time, sprinter Eric Powell admitted Thursday that he feels like a total idiot after finding out about jogging. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’ve been working my ass off, pushing myself to run as fast as humanly possible when I…
ARLINGTON, TX—Admitting that the billions of dollars needed to grease the wheels required a joint effort, the Texas Rangers requested Wednesday that taxpayers cover roughly 60 percent of bribes related to the construction of their new stadium. “Between contractors, vendors, and local law enforcement, there’s a lot of…
ATLANTA, GA—Pacing and cursing as they searched in vain for a note, the entire Falcons roster reportedly panicked Friday after finding a massive scratch in Mercedes Benz Stadium. “Dammit, who did this? It’s halfway down the whole thing! Christ, this is going to cost a fortune to fix,” said a distressed Matt Ryan as he…
NEW YORK—In an effort to find a more constructive way to cost the other team yardage, the NFL asked pass rushers on Wednesday to seek amicable resolutions with opposing quarterbacks before resorting to a tackle. “Instead of immediately stooping to a violent hit, defensive ends and linebackers should take an empathetic…
LOS ANGELES—Noting that new rules and increased athleticism have transformed the NFL, former quarterback Troy Aikman warned fans Wednesday about comparing today’s concussions to the brain injuries from earlier NFL eras. “It’s just an entirely different game now. Sure, there are guys doing incredible harm to their…
NEW YORK—Explaining that the regulation would help provide a safer game environment, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference Tuesday to announce a new rule that encourages professional football players to take out their aggression off the field. “Player safety is our chief priority, so rather than…
BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother…
