Adam Silver Sends League-Wide Memo Just Asking Players Where The Fuck They Want To Play

NEW YORK—In response to a litany of high-profile trades and a general sense of dissatisfaction from many star players, NBA commissioner Adam Silver sent out a league-wide message Friday simply asking players “where the fuck [they] want to play basketball.” “Look, we’re just going to put all this bullshit to rest and…

‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl

ATLANTA—Begging for mercy while watching his arms wither and skin wrinkle, a rapidly aging Tom Brady cried out for an old crone Sunday as her spell began to wear off in the middle of Super Bowl LIII. “Please, wicked conjurer of misfortune, don’t do this to me now, all I ask is for another quarter of precious youth,”…

Nurse Tells Wheelchair-Bound, Concussed Rob Gronkowski He’s At The Super Bowl With All His Friends

ATLANTA—Shouting “touchdown!” while pushing the Patriots’ tight end along the sidelines, nurse Miranda Silva told a wheelchair-bound, concussed Rob Gronkowski Sunday that he was at the Super Bowl with all his friends. “Look, it’s your friend Tom! Your remember Tom, right? And Bill is here, too, Bill is your coach,”…

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