LONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut. “Upon analysis of thousands of photos and…

LONDON—Regretting all the time and energy they wasted caring for the grass lawn, the grounds crew at the All England Club in Wimbledon was reportedly frustrated Monday after learning about the existence of cement tennis courts. “This is painstaking work in the hot sun, trimming and watering every single day. Why…

WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…

MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out…

WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…

HAWTHORNE, CA—Citing their experiences watching recent World Cups, MLS matches, and various youth soccer games, every patron at O’Brien’s Pub offered a different, incorrect definition of the sport’s notoriously nebulous “offside” ruling. “One guy’s saying that if you pass the ball across two lines, it’s offside, but…

ATLANTA—Promising that fans would get to see all their old favorites in new and exciting situations, TBS announced plans Wednesday to revive classic 1990s baseball team the Atlanta Braves. “By bringing back the beloved Atlanta Braves of the ’90s, we hope to capture the spirit and fun of the original team but with a…