KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before Sunday’s AFC Championship Game. “We knew we had to do something to catch them off guard, so we ran a no-huddle offense…
KANSAS CITY—Expressing regret and shame for having “completely overindulged,” New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady confessed feelings of guilt Friday after gorging himself on a full order of Kansas-City-style tap water. “Ugh, I’ve compromised my own standards and my responsibility to my team by devouring an…
SAN ANTONIO—Staring into the distance with his mouth agape and sweat beading on his forehead, NBA referee JB Derosa was reportedly terrified Monday after seeing a depiction of his own death while looking under the replay hood. “JB was under there a while on what seemed like a routine call, then all of a sudden, he…
DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw down to the sideline during the second quarter of the Buccaneers vs. Cowboys game. “You hate to see an announcer go down like that. Especially on such a routine throw down to Erin to check the field…
CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement Sunday defending the NFL’s right to subject Panthers safety Eric Reid to random stop-and-frisk searches. “We’re…
OAKLAND, CA—Quashing rumors that the team was looking to make an early exit for Las Vegas, the Oakland Raiders announced plans Wednesday to play the entirety of their 2019 home schedule in Head Coach Jon Gruden’s backyard. “This is really the perfect venue for this this team—in fact, I think playing in my yard will…
CLEVELAND—Claiming it was the most humane way to deal with their suffering fans, the Cleveland Browns announced Tuesday that they had euthanized the entirety of the Dawg Pound following a rabies outbreak. “They were a part of our Browns family, and we’re heartbroken over cutting their lives short, but putting them…
ARLINGTON, VA—In recognition of the brave and altruistic Americans who risk their health and safety for the greater good, Pentagon officials announced Thursday that the U.S. military would honor the sacrifices of NFL players by wearing their jerseys throughout December. “Every week, these men are out there on the…
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night” Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so…
NOTRE DAME, IN—Welling up with emotion upon finally setting foot on the hallowed tile surface, college senior Anthony Harper fulfilled his lifelong dream Saturday after finally being allowed to shower with the Notre Dame football team. “A lot of people told me I would never make it into these showers, but I knew that…
