Overly Enthusiastic Cristiano Ronaldo Accidentally Rips Off Upper-Body Skin After Scoring Goal
Ovechkin Hopes To Inspire Other Athletes To Power Through Month-Long Bender
WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…
Lionel Messi Pissed After Forgetting To Wear Fitbit During Last GameÂ
MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out…
Coworker Following World Cup Goes All-In On Tenuous Family Connection To Portugal
WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…
Every Bar Patron Watching World Cup Has Different, Incorrect Definition Of Offside Rule
HAWTHORNE, CA—Citing their experiences watching recent World Cups, MLS matches, and various youth soccer games, every patron at O’Brien’s Pub offered a different, incorrect definition of the sport’s notoriously nebulous “offside” ruling. “One guy’s saying that if you pass the ball across two lines, it’s offside, but…
TBS To Revive 1990s Atlanta Braves
ATLANTA—Promising that fans would get to see all their old favorites in new and exciting situations, TBS announced plans Wednesday to revive classic 1990s baseball team the Atlanta Braves. “By bringing back the beloved Atlanta Braves of the ’90s, we hope to capture the spirit and fun of the original team but with a…
Justify, Bravazo Get Into Skirmish During Belmont Stakes Weigh-In
ELMONT, NY—After weeks of trading insults and mounting animosity between the 3-year-old colts, the weigh-in for the Belmont Stakes erupted into an all-out brawl Saturday as Justify and Bravazo exchanged blows on the stage. “As soon as they hit the scales, the horses were in each others’ faces snorting, stomping, and…
Cash-Strapped FiveThirtyEight Lays Off Dozens Of Top Algorithms
NEW YORK—Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. “While these data programs have provided readers with countless insights into sports and politics over the past few…
Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office
WESTFORD, MA—Chastising himself for not double-checking everything before he left for the day, Puma researcher Benjamin Harris was reportedly overcome Friday by a nagging feeling that he had left Usain Bolt running at the office. “Goddammit, I don’t want to have to go all the way back there, but it’s really bad for…
Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night
NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who…
Red Sox Team Doctor Unclear Whether He Supposed To Join Fight Or Not
TAMPA BAY, FL—Watching with puzzled concern as his team ran onto the field and began shoving the opposing players, Boston Red Sox physician Adam Foster told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear if he should join a bench-clearing brawl with the Tampa Bay Rays. “I’m always happy to help the team, but I’m not sure if…
