LOS ANGELES—Chastising players for not sticking to their frowns during press conferences, head coach Steve Kerr reminded the Warriors Wednesday to seem sad about center DeMarcus Cousins’ season-ending quad injury. “Remember, guys, nobody likes to be excluded. It might be nice to have a little more spacing on the…

DURHAM, NC—Fretting over the future of the young man he had once considered a protégé, Duke anthropology professor Edwin Greeley was reportedly devastated Friday upon learning that his most promising pupil, Zion Williamson, was dropping out of school. “Zion is one of the most engaged and thoughtful students I’ve…

LOS ANGELES—Calling the decision to part ways with his current paternal figure “difficult but necessary,” Lakers guard Lonzo Ball announced Thursday that he had chosen CAA to represent him as a father. “I met with several suitors, but I really feel like CAA’s integrity and clear commitment to my well-being proved to…

LOS ANGELES—Claiming their heart and determination in making the playoffs had earned them a benefits package that included both Microsoft Access and Publisher, Clippers owner Steve Ballmer rewarded the team Wednesday with complementary Office Suite upgrades. “This team defied expectations all year, and I can’t think…

PHILADELPHIA—Worried that he should have warned them about the trip during contract negotiations, Bryce Harper told Philadelphia Phillies general manager Matt Klentak Wednesday that he would be missing two weeks in the middle of August for a vacation he had planned before joining the team. “It’s tough because I…

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Crediting his players for being wise enough to do what’s best for their health, Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo told reporters Saturday that this Spartans team was the best he’s ever threatened with violence. “In my 20-plus years at East Lansing, I’ve had the privilege of threatening to pummel some…

HAVERFORD, PA—Expressing concerns about her odd behavior over the past few weeks, coworkers of Sheila Gottman confirmed Wednesday that the “total weirdo” was leading their office’s NCAA bracket pool after picking teams she analyzed and predicted would beat the others. “What kind of freak actually reads expert analysis…

FOXBORO, MA—In an emotional speech announcing his retirement after a nine-year NFL career with the New England Patriots, Rob Gronkowski reportedly admitted Monday that he’ll miss his teammates’ blurry faces and the fans spinning perpetually in the stands. “It’s really hard to know that I’ll never again stumble off the…