ORLANDO, FL—Encouraging players to use their better judgment and not take unnecessary risks, league commissioner Adam Silver issued a warning Friday advising players against leaving the NBA bubble to patronize strip clubs with lackluster talent. “We don’t want players jeopardizing the bubble just to deal with bogus cover charges and asshole bouncers,” said Silver, attaching a list of local gentlemen’s clubs to avoid due to subpar food, exorbitant ATM fees, and stuck-up dancers. “If you’re gonna take such a huge risk, you better go somewhere that’ll give you some real action when you drop a few hundos. Don’t sell yourself short with some of these bush league Orlando clubs when South Beach is a short drive away. If you’ve got a game that night and you absolutely need to stay local, check out Blue Flame—I dropped 20 grand there a few weeks ago, that place is amazing.” At press time, Silver announced plans to staff the bubble itself with a hundred dancers after getting thrown out of another local establishment.
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