ST. LOUIS—Cardinals players were reportedly mortified Monday when Albert Pujols embarrassed the entire team in front of 34,965 fans by trotting back to the dugout with first base stuck on the bottom of his left shoe. "Oh my god, he's such a spaz," said left fielder Matt Holiday, lowering the bill of his baseball cap and pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt. "Please don't let anyone in the crowd think that we are with him. Oh Jesus, he's trying to scrape it off and now it's stuck on his other shoe. I swear, if he sits next to me, I'll never be able to show my face around here again." According to third baseman David Freese, Pujols consistently humiliates everyone in the dugout when he "claps like a total dork" any time the team does well.
More from The Onion