WASHINGTON—After feelings of elation over the Miami Heat losing the NBA Finals started to fade this week, Americans across the country suddenly began to remember how much they actually hate the city of Dallas, the Mavericks, and their “total fucking asshole” owner Mark Cuban. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved watching those pricks on the Heat lose, but around Wednesday I was like, ‘Wait a minute—if it were any other Finals matchup, I would have been rooting really hard against the Mavericks because I absolutely hate Dallas and always have,’” Chicago resident Keith Thompson told reporters Thursday. “It’s an awful place with terrible fans and overpaid players, and to be honest, I could actually care less about Dirk Nowitzki finally winning an NBA title. And fuck, Jason Kidd? That guy’s a piece-of-shit wifebeater. Ah, yes, it’s all coming back to me now.” Americans who said they found themselves smiling when Mark Cuban held up the Larry O’Brien Trophy confirmed they now think back on that moment with despair and wonder what kind of terrible human beings they must actually be to have such revolting impulses.
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