Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work

Illustration for article titled Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work

NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a hundred times a game!” said Mitchem, who claimed that you could see the second the screen pass left Ben Roethlisberger’s hand that the play was going nowhere, and that any idiot could call a better play. “I could see that call coming a mile away and so could the defense. This is a classic Steelers bullshit 2nd down call. When you’ve got [JuJu Smith-] Shuster out there you should be calling a damn pass every 2nd and long.” At press time Mitchem was admonishing a failed slant pass call on a 2nd and 9 and claiming the Steelers should be “running the damn ball more.”

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