DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust. “I truly believe that I could’ve been a terrible fit for an NFL team and flamed out of the league after a season or two,” said Parker, who was confident that he had the perfect combination of a poor attitude, a lack of focus, and an inherent laziness to fall short of expectations for a first-round draft selection. “I can definitely see myself proving that I’m incapable of handling the game at the professional level by showing up to training camp 20 to 30 pounds overweight and then sucking so bad that I end up at the bottom of the depth chart before eventually getting cut. Plus, I have no shortage of fuckup friends and family to distract me off the field until that happens.”At press time, Parker added that he could also imagine having a short NFL career and then turning to drug abuse and crime.
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