Illustration for article titled Area Man Totally Screwing Up Order Of Snack Consumption During Super Bowl Party

FORT DODGE, IA—Growing increasingly annoyed at his lack of foresight, area man Erick Simmons reportedly chastised himself Sunday for totally screwing up the order of his snack consumption during a Super Bowl LI party. “Shit, I just finished a cupcake, and now I’m supposed to start eating spicy wings?” said Simmons, lamenting that he had completely botched his refreshment progression by consuming a large quantity of pita chips before the host brought out the spinach artichoke dip. “I never would’ve filled up on pigs in a blanket if I knew there was pizza coming. Although some of this is [host] Carl [Donovan]’s fault—why would you put out the football-shaped cookies before nachos? Ugh, I never should have munched on the nut mix for the entire first quarter with all these much better snacks still to come. I messed up big time.” At press time, Simmons expressed frustration that he was “way too stuffed” to finish his third beer.


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