WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI—Saying that he has generally avoided taking on the responsibility during his retirement, Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders told reporters Thursday that he figures it’s probably his turn to pull a stint as a mentor for one of the NFL’s young fuckups. “Well, Deion Sanders, Tony Dungy, and Ray Lewis have all gone up to bat, so I guess I should get around to reaching out to one of these little dipshits and attempt to stop him from throwing his career away,” said Sanders, adding that he’ll probably pick either a fellow Oklahoma State alumnus or a player from his hometown of Wichita, KS to try putting back on the right track before he squanders all of his talent. “I’ll send this guy a few texts at first, maybe even hang out with him to talk about similar situations I faced as a high-profile player and how I dealt with them—you know, the usual bullshit. It honestly doesn’t even matter which dumbass it is; I just need to get out there and show that I made an effort.” Sanders later expressed his relief at knowing that he will probably only be on the hook for a few months at most before the player under his wing inevitably ignores all of his advice anyway.

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