GLENDALE, AZ—Claiming that the haunting din suddenly and without warning filled the air of the 63,000-seat arena, sources confirmed that a bell tolling through the University of Phoenix Stadium’s PA system Thursday night portended certain doom for the visiting Minnesota Vikings as they faced third down. “The bell’s ring—that horrible ring—is this an omen that our time with the ball is soon to end?” uttered fifth-year Vikings right guard Brandon Fusco as the sinister tones reverberated through the stadium speakers, cutting short quarterback Teddy Bridgewater’s play call and casting a chilling silence over the offense, the entire huddle reportedly feeling within their bones the shadowy approach of a failed third-down conversion. “Vile cacophony! O symphony of ruin! The kiss of death for an ill-fated drive, one forever doomed to perish without the necessary seven-yard gain for a first down. Lo, we must heed this telltale sign before it is too late!” At press time, the Vikings had converted the third down.

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