WEST ALLIS, WI—Forcefully asserting that two-hand touch football is “for girls,” reports out of Greenfield Park confirmed Monday that a small but aggressive faction of seventh-graders are staunchly in favor of playing tackle. “C’mon, stop being such babies—let’s play real football,” said the contingent’s de facto leader, 12-year-old Conor Crawford, reportedly growing increasingly combative and confrontational as several of his seventh-grade peers displayed some hesitancy toward the idea. “We can put Brian and Jack on different teams since they’re the biggest, so that way it’ll be fair. Tackle is so much more fun, and it’s not like we’re playing on pavement or something.” At press time, play had halted as the entire group gathered around a crying Brennan Michaels following the game’s kickoff.

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