FOXBORO, MA—Admitting the demands of the NFL season have worn down his temporary corporeal body, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced Tuesday that the upcoming season would be the last he will coach in his current mortal form. “Whether we win the Lombardi trophy or not, this will be the last season I coach while shackled to this weak, decaying sack of skin and blood,” said Belichick, who claimed that he will destroy his pathetic and degrading human form only to emerge a more terrible, potent, and destructive being than any coach or player could possibly imagine. “I just don’t think I have it in me to go another season beholden to the frail, temporary form that you weaklings inhabit. This body can no longer contain my power. Soon, humanity will see the true Bill Belichick, and they will weep with joy and terror as I run rampant across the NFL.” Belichick added that the coming of his true and final form shall usher in the prophesized thousand-year reign of the golden boy over all of football.

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