PARADISE, NV—Holding their breath as he threw firecracker after firecracker at the Gatorade jug, members of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were reportedly unnerved Sunday by Jason Pierre-Paul celebrating touchdowns by lighting fireworks on the sideline. “I heard this loud ‘pop, pop, pop,’ and whipped around to see Jason lighting another one. Where does he even get them from?” said linebacker Devin White, who claimed that, in last week’s game, Pierre-Paul had spent the entire third quarter setting up a display for the end-of-the-game celebration. “Christ, he’s got one called the ‘Powder Keg’ that’s bigger than my bicep. Should we call security? Because I thought he was gonna lose an eye shooting off all the bottle rockets at halftime. Oh fuck, there goes his foot.” At press time viewers at home were dazzled as Pierre-Paul’s exploding arm spelled out ‘Go Bucs’ in blood.
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