Bud Selig Awoken From Cryosleep In Time For World Series

Illustration for article titled Bud Selig Awoken From Cryosleep In Time For World Series

KANSAS CITY, MO—Explaining that these are the roughly 10 to 14 days each year during which he is not resting in a controlled state of suspended animation, sources confirmed Tuesday that Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has been awoken from his sub-zero temperature cryosleep in time for the 2014 World Series. “We’re happy to announce that the commissioner has successfully emerged from cryonic hibernation and is incredibly excited for this year’s matchup between the Royals and Giants,” said league spokesman Kyle Akerman, adding that Selig has spent his first few hours of consciousness listening to aides summarize the past season while he remained locked inside an airtight chamber set to 263.15 Kelvin. “Doctors have assured us that his blood has resumed circulation, and, despite a brief period of post-revival psychosis, his vital signs are now normal. We’re also confident that the carefully designed luxury suite at Kauffman Stadium will provide him with a controlled thaw throughout the first few innings of tonight’s game. Most importantly, though, Mr. Selig is just looking forward to watching these two great teams face off in a highly competitive and memorable best-of-seven series.” Akerman added that, as this is Selig’s last season as commissioner, the 80-year-old is not planning to attend another Fall Classic until he is slated to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the 2230 World Series.