ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business, new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time. “Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won’t risk transmission very much, so if this is seriously your thing and something you enjoy, then sure, go ahead,” said CDC head Robert Redfield, who noted that of all the things you were safe to do, from camping to walking your dog to watching movies, tennis could theoretically be an activity someone would prefer. “If this is your idea of fun, don’t let anything stop you. I mean, if we were gonna sweat our ass off in the scorching hot sun, we’d at least go to the beach, but you do you. At least in golf you can drink or drive those little carts, but whatever, it’s fine, it’s safe.” At press time, the CDC had rescinded the new guidelines after discovering Covid-19 incubates in headband sweat.
More from The Onion