PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that it was just not the same without the communal atmosphere of a live game, thousands of Phillies fans reported Monday that the closing of Citizens Bank Park has forced them to be content verbally threatening their friends and family. “I’m glad baseball is back, but screaming at my daughter to sit the fuck down is a poor substitute for the experience of harassing strangers at a ballpark,” said local fan Mike D’Amato, who revealed that without the outlet of going to see baseball live, he had to spend the afternoon whipping beer bottles at his dog and intentional bumping into his son before challenging him to a fight. “Live games just have this energy you can’t replicate. When I shove my kid into a wall and threaten to put him in a wheelchair for life, it doesn’t have the same sense of excitement as it does with another fan. Sure, I can still get drunk, but yelling ‘homo’ at my wife isn’t as fulfilling as yelling from the stands at Juan Soto.” D’Amato added that the one upside of being at home was never being worried that his violent threats would get him ejected from the house.
More from The Onion