Colin Kaepernick’s Agents Assure Teams His CTE Has Progressed Just As Much As Other Players Over 3-Year Hiatus

ATLANTA—Responding to concerns that the 32-year-old had spent too much time away from the game, representatives for Colin Kaepernick assured NFL teams Friday that his CTE has progressed just as much as other players over his three-year hiatus. “We know teams are worried about how NFL ready he is after that much time off, but we can promise you that his cognitive functions have degraded just as much as any other quarterback,” said agent Jeff Nalley, citing a rigorous training schedule that has ensured Kaepernick takes regular blows to the head. “Coaches can be rest assured that he has just as much chronic pain and just as many suicidal thoughts as anyone who started a football game last year. He’ll be asking where is and forgetting plays like he never left the game. He’s no Tom Brady, but you can still count on him to produce traumatic nightmares and to forget the names on family members at a high level.” At press time, Kaepernick himself promised to return the 49ers to the Super Bowl after last season’s devastating loss to the Ravens.

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