Cubs Pitching Coach Forced To Clean Up Trembling, Piss-Covered Pitchers After Leaving Them Locked In Bullpen All Day

ST. LOUIS—Spraying down the traumatized players who were standing in puddles of their own excrement, Chicago Cubs pitching coach Tommy Hottovy was forced to clean up a group of trembling, piss-covered pitchers Friday after leaving them locked inside the bullpen all day. “God, I feel so bad that they were trapped in there without anyone to open the gate and let ’em run around,” said Hottovy, lamenting that the pitchers had scratched up the walls and chewed through all of the catcher’s mitts. “I totally spaced after the game yesterday and left them cooped up without any water or anything. I can tell by the look in their eyes that they don’t trust me anymore. Once I opened the gate, a few them just sprinted out and took a huge shit in right field.” At press time, Hottovy was attempting to console a whimpering Craig Kimbrel who had spent the entire game curled up in the corner of the bullpen.

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