LOS ANGELES—Experiencing an existential crisis after comparing accomplishments, a depressed LeBron James, 34, realized Monday that at his age Nicolaus Copernicus was already developing his groundbreaking theory of heliocentrism. “Jesus, all my life up to this point has just been playing basketball, when in his early 30s, Copernicus was already starting to lay the foundation that the sun, not the Earth, was the center of our solar system,” said James, explaining that winning three championships and becoming a four-time league MVP was fine and all, but his achievements paled in comparison to Copernicus upending the Ptolemaic model of geocentrism that had prevailed for over 1,500 years. “Sure, that was a different era, but I can’t help but feel like a failure when I think about how I’ve never redefined how we think of the universe and our place in it. Not to mention the Lakers didn’t even make the playoffs. God, at least Copernicus never had to team up with superstars like Johannes Werner and Leonardo DaVinci to attain his goal.” At press time, James was spending his offseason jotting down astronomical measurements in an attempt to construct a unified Theory of Everything.

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