DURHAM, NC—Fretting over the future of the young man he had once considered a protégé, Duke anthropology professor Edwin Greeley was reportedly devastated Friday upon learning that his most promising pupil, Zion Williamson, was dropping out of school. “Zion is one of the most engaged and thoughtful students I’ve encountered in my 30 years in academia—it’s simply a shame to watch him squander these immense gifts,” said Greeley, adding that under the right tutelage, he had no doubt that Williamson was destined to become a world-renowned anthropologist, perhaps even on par with the likes of Bronislaw Malinowski or Clifford Geertz. “He has a grip on the subtle differences between early Mesoamerican cultures that you just can’t teach. Zion was always staying after class to chat, or coming to my office hours, but now he’s throwing his life away for reasons I can’t begin to understand. I told him that we could arrange some sort of financial aid, but he just said this wasn’t the place for him. I’m afraid the loss of such a promising young academic will be devastating for the whole field. I don’t know why anyone so talented would do this.” At press time, Greeley was trying to convince the burgeoning anthropologist that a $30,000-per-year adjunct professorship was easily within reach for someone with his promise.