Illustration for article titled Eli Manning Retires From NFL To Focus On Being Statistically Average Father

SUMMIT, NJ—Saying his kids deserved to have a committed, half-decent parent who was around from time to time, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announced his retirement from the National Football League Friday in an effort to focus on being a statistically average father. “I’ve had a good run and instead of sticking around as a backup, I figured I’d be better served as a replacement-level father,” said Manning, explaining that he would use his new free time to glance at his daughters’ homework assignments and offer some light encouragement. “My kids know their mother is the cornerstone of this family, but I can still contribute. I might not be the most accurate when it comes to picking them up on time from school. And maybe I won’t blow them away with great birthday parties or vacations. But they know I’ll show up and do my job.” At press time, Manning was scrambling after failing to scan the room and letting his daughter’s class wander off during a field trip to the Museum Of Natural History.

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