PORTLAND, OR—Admitting it was difficult to watch his once-vibrant home fall into complete disarray, Portland Trail Blazers center Enes Kanter confirmed Monday that he was grateful to have escaped the oppressive, failing dictatorship in New York. “It’s disastrous—the leaders are full-on autocrats and there is so little hope left, it’s difficult to see how many people are suffering,” said Kanter, noting his former oppressors at Madison Square Garden were fanatics with no sense of duty to the people they serve, who waste millions of vanity projects to boost their ego while everything crumbles around them. “They just want to hold on to all of the money and power that they can. Unless there is some sort of regime change, things will only continue descending into chaos and despair. I was extremely lucky to get out of that situation—and I know many others who want to get out as well. My heart aches for them, and I pray for the day the people responsible for this suffering will be brought to justice.” At press time, Kanter urged talented young players worldwide to immediately seek asylum lest they be forcibly conscripted by the tyrannical organization in the June draft.
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