BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the program will further strengthen their afternoon lineup, officials at ESPN announced Monday that the network has started searching for a few loud-mouthed fucks to host a new sports talk show. “We’re looking for three, maybe four absolutely reprehensible, know-it-all fucks to sit around a table and share their idiotic opinions about the day’s biggest sports stories,” said ESPN’s vice president of original programming Jamie Horowitz, adding that ideally, the obnoxious, pig-headed pieces of shit will be a mix of annoying national sports columnists, repulsive former athletes, and one prick from Boston. “We’ll just throw some bullshit on one side of the screen while our panel of arrogant fucking assholes scream at each other. The whole debate—if you can even call it that—will be moderated by either another loud-mouthed fuck or an attractive female broadcaster. We feel this show will really complement our other programs on ESPN and perform particularly well in the 4 p.m. time slot.” At press time, ESPN confirmed that producers had started narrowing down their initial pool of 14,000 potential candidates for the show.
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