BRENTWOOD, TN—Expressing confidence that his act will expand neurological research and ultimately improve the welfare of others in his position, local 52-year-old Luke Holman, who has been subjected to hundreds of Tennessee Titans games for over a decade, announced Thursday that he plans to donate his brain to medical science. “As a Titans fan, I have witnessed an untold number of three-and-outs, turnovers, and sloppy penalties throughout my life, and I hope that by allowing scientists to study my brain, they will be able to learn more about the long-term effects of this type of repeated trauma,” said Holman, adding that, though he cannot undo the punishment he endured as a longtime follower of the sub-.500 football team, he takes comfort in knowing that future Titans fans may be able to avoid the same level of pain and suffering that he has endured in recent years. “I certainly didn’t understand the consequences of watching all of those games when I first started as a kid. But hopefully, armed with the research made possible by my contribution, perhaps those considering watching the Titans will be able to make a more informed decision for themselves and their families.” Holman added that scientists believe his donation could go a long way toward confirming the suspected link between watching Titans football and severe clinical depression.
More from The Onion