LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying that he rarely takes on similar responsibility for the litany of issues in both his personal and professional life, sources close to local 31-year-old Timothy Peterson confirmed Tuesday that his fantasy football team’s performance is the only thing for which he holds himself fully accountable. “Dammit, I bench Jordy Nelson, and then he goes for 200 yards and a touchdown—I should have known he was going to torch the Jets defense,” said Peterson, who constantly makes excuses for the deterioration of relationships with past girlfriends while also accusing his company of ineptitude whenever he is passed up for a promotion at work. “And of course I started Matt Ryan over Nick Foles. I really fucked up this week.” At press time, the man who is regularly late on paying his monthly rent reportedly sent an email to the rest of his fantasy league reminding them that all roster spots must be locked in before games kick off on Sunday.

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