DALLAS—Referring to the practice as a sound investment that too few players make, Ezekiel Elliott’s financial advisor urged the running back Friday to set aside 20% of his annual salary for paying off women to keep quiet. “We’re thrilled about Zeke’s contract extension, but that money isn’t going to last forever. He needs to be responsible and prepare for the inevitable expenses of trying to silence his accusers,” said wealth advisor Chez Heller, cautioning the Cowboys star that while his playing career might last another decade, he’ll almost certainly be paying to sweep things under the rug for the rest of his life. “We advise all the athletes we work with to set aside 20% for retirement and 20% for any accusers coming out of the woodwork. Elliott is in the prime of his career right now, but he still has to prepare for the eventuality that someone will come forward and reveal what he did to them to the press. Fans see the $50 million payday and think it should last forever without considering all the millions it takes to keep some people from pressing charges.” Heller also advised Elliott to set aside several million in a separate bank account to cover for all the money he would lose to embezzlement.
More from The Onion