‘Find The Traitor And Crush Him,’ Announces Bill Belichick To Monstrous Linebackers Birthed From Foxborough Mud Pits

Illustration for article titled ‘Find The Traitor And Crush Him,’ Announces Bill Belichick To Monstrous Linebackers Birthed From Foxborough Mud Pits

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Moments after the titanic abominations burst from the realm’s mudpits into the brimstone-tinged air, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick bid a legion of monstrous linebackers to find the traitor Tom Brady and crush him, sources confirmed Friday. “Go! Go now! You know your task, you miserable wretch!” said the earth-splattered coach, thrusting an old number 12 jersey still bearing the scent of the former Patriots quarterback at one of the grotesque linebackers’ hands that had been forged from the heats and slimes of the earth and telling them to enact his vengeance upon the turncoat by hook or by crook. “Show no mercy! Leave no man alive. He will know my wrath for crossing me. The betrayer shall understand the terror of an eternal night.” At press time, Belichick had whispered the word “destroy” into the largest linebacker’s gnarled ear and yelled at the misbegotten company to set off immediately from the godforsaken land of Foxborough.