NUTLEY, NJ—Recounting the participants’ unwavering, single-minded focus throughout the three-hour event, local man Ross Harrison, who declined to join his friends’ fantasy football league, told reporters Friday he immediately regretted attending their draft party last night. “Pete just had a kid and Brian got engaged, so I was hoping to catch up with everyone there, but after the night kicked off with a 10-minute debate about adding a second flex spot I instantly knew I’d made a terrible mistake,” said Harrison, who added that, minutes after arriving, he was pulled aside by three different friends who each excitedly shared their respective strategies for the evening’s 14-round draft. “I guess I expected we would drink and shoot the shit while they just picked whatever players the ESPN app recommended for each pick, and instead it was total silence as they flipped through their fantasy football magazines. I got so bored I ended up watching a preseason game in the living room by myself most of the night.” At press time, Harrison had just received his 37th text message assessing last night’s draft on the group chat he shares with his friends.
More from The Onion