THE HEAVENS—Despite allowing the Cavaliers to win the city’s first major sports championship in 52 years, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Sunday that He still hates Cleveland fans. “I just figured that enough is enough, so I decided to throw them a bone and finally give them a title, but believe me, I still can’t stand Cleveland teams or their fans,” said the Lord, adding that even though He decided not to intervene in order to prevent the Cavaliers from winning Game 7 against the Golden State Warriors, He “still really enjoys” watching Cleveland fans suffer after heartbreaking losses. “Don’t get me wrong, I love LeBron. My original plan was actually to get Cleveland’s hopes up by having him born in Ohio and drafted by the Cavs before he left to go win titles elsewhere without ever coming back. I knew that would absolutely crush the fans, but then I kind of felt bad about it, so I changed my mind since I wanted LeBron to win one in Cleveland. But I don’t give a shit about Cleveland fans, and I’ll see to it that they never win anything again.” God also clarified that His contempt for Cleveland fans is nothing compared to His total and utter hatred for “those fucking scumbag fans” in Philadelphia.

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