EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Quietly navigating through the damp, pitch-black tunnels underneath the 82,500-seat arena, gruesome, deformed New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul was reportedly spotted Wednesday lurking in the sewers below MetLife Stadium. “They mustn’t see me—they mustn’t see me!” muttered Pierre-Paul, using his tattered Giants uniform and helmet to cover his scarred, disfigured body, with reports confirming that the grotesque sixth-year defensive lineman occasionally peeks through small cracks of concrete late in the fourth quarter when the stadium is mostly deserted. “I am a monster now, and I cannot go near the surface dwellers. The shadows…the shadows are my home.” At press time, Pierre-Paul was feasting on a bucket of raw fish left for him near a drainage grate by Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.

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