NEW YORK—Speculating that his life must be one of constant thrills and unbridled adventure, subway sources confirmed Thursday that the guy currently sipping an energy drink while riding the downtown 6 train is probably heading off to snowboard in the X Games or engage in some other mind-blowing extreme sport. “Judging by that can of energy drink in his hand, this guy must be on his way to compete in some kind of freestyle snowpipe event, or maybe carve massive waves in an international surfing championship,” said fellow commuter Josh Harper, noting that the audacious, risk-taking man would surely need the mental and physical stimulation provided by his energy drink in order to, most likely, free climb a 3,000-foot cliff face and then BASE jump back down to the bottom once he reached the top. “It’s obvious that coffee alone isn’t enough for this guy—he needs a serious boost if he’s going to pull off a perfect 1080 on a skateboarding vert ramp or take first place in his winner-take-all motocross race. Honestly, I’m just amazed he’s willing to put up with the drudgery of a subway ride when he could be traversing the whole city through a series of impossibly acrobatic parkour maneuvers.” At press time, sources noted that the energy drink-consuming daredevil had taken an available subway seat, surely in order to conserve his energy for his upcoming kiteboarding excursion.

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