PINE BLUFF, AK—Featuring a consistent budget and students regularly encouraged to take part in its construction, a 6-foot-by-12-foot handmade banner that the Pine Bluff High School football team runs through before every game represents the closest thing the school comes to supporting the arts, sources confirmed Friday. The banner, which is held up by several cheerleaders before players tear it in half while sprinting onto the field, is reportedly the most routinely supported school-sponsored outlet for students interested in exploring the arts and expressing themselves creatively. Those familiar with the situation confirmed that an $85 weekly allocation for poster paper, colored markers, acrylic paint, and glitter glue consists of the most resources Pine Bluff pours into the visual arts, music, theater, creative writing, or dance, while the cheerleading coach’s supervision of the banner’s design accounts for the most time anyone employed by the district spends on cultivating the artistic talents of its students. The banner’s hand-drawn ram mascot and carefully lettered rallying cry of “Cage The Lions!” in reference to the team’s opponent is also said to have received the greatest amount of attention from administrators and the local community of any recent student-made artistic endeavor. At press time, sources confirmed that school officials ensuring the banner paper can be easily ripped is also the highest level of concern they ever show for the football players’ safety.
More from The Onion