How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

Illustration for article titled How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

Athletes to face rigorous testing if they lap another country’s athletes during the Parade of Nations


Olympic Village toilets to now funnel straight to laboratory

Establish in no uncertain terms that the IOC does not tolerate any form of corruption that isn’t political or monetary


Eliminate truck lifting as a sport

Mandatory post-match testing for any badminton player found launching a shuttlecock into low Earth orbit


IOC president to go undercover, get in too deep, win gold in decathlon

New three-strikes policy in which any country caught repeatedly doping must legally dissolve


Just run continuous disclaimer at bottom of NBC’s coverage informing viewers that results not as intrinsically inspiring as they might’ve thought


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