In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:


Athletes to face rigorous testing if they lap another country’s athletes during the Parade of Nations

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Olympic Village toilets to now funnel straight to laboratory


Establish in no uncertain terms that the IOC does not tolerate any form of corruption that isn’t political or monetary

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Eliminate truck lifting as a sport


Mandatory post-match testing for any badminton player found launching a shuttlecock into low Earth orbit

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IOC president to go undercover, get in too deep, win gold in decathlon


New three-strikes policy in which any country caught repeatedly doping must legally dissolve

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Just run continuous disclaimer at bottom of NBC’s coverage informing viewers that results not as intrinsically inspiring as they might’ve thought