With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.


Crack down on low-quality, copycat Thursday Night Football games that steal viewers and tarnish reputation of real professional football games

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Take advantage of strange new world called “cyberspace” that allows “surfers” to “stream” videos directly onto devices called “personal laptop computers”


Streamline game-day broadcasts by eliminating extraneous commercials, NFC North


Increase jostling, pushing by 60 percent


Crack down on player protests by solving racial inequality and eliminating police brutality

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Explore the possibility of building some kind of connection between the currently completely separate worlds of football and gambling


Boost drama with steamier in-game romance plot lines


Clear helmets to improve player visibility


Reduce human error plaguing the league by implementing a robot commissioner


Keep lying about how bad concussions really are


Encourage viewers to come back each week by ending broadcasts with two-minute warning cliffhanger

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