OXNARD, CA—Saying that he is counting down the days until the offseason practices are over, Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe he was once again stuck sharing a hotel room with owner Jerry Jones during training camp. “Goddammit, this is the fifth straight year they’ve paired us together,” said Witten, explaining that he has come to dread returning to his room each afternoon to find Jones sitting on his bed drinking bottles of Michelob Ultra and watching television at its maximum volume. “He never picks up any of his dirty clothes or trash—Christ, just look at all these copies of Maxim around the room. Plus, when I’m trying to go to sleep at night, all he wants to do is talk about that day’s practice and what the team should be working on before the season starts. I’m so fucking sick of him.” At press time, Witten was quietly reading a book in the hotel lounge after an intoxicated Jones had barged into their room with a woman on each arm.

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