DALLAS—Revealing that the Cowboys owner was looking for stability at an essential position, team sources confirmed Thursday that Jerry Jones is planning to use the 2018 NFL Draft to find a long-term solution at mistress. “This isn’t about a short-term fix. There is going to be a lot of talent at the draft, but I need to find a top-level mistress who can deliver for the next 10 years or more,” said Jones, who noted that he had personally traveled down to LSU and Florida to scout a possible paramour before deciding to use the “absolutely stacked” lineup at the NFL draft to shore up his open mistress spot. “We’ve had too much instability with my mistresses recently, and we need to be thinking about the future of the franchise. She’s going to need not only the looks and skill, but the temperament and toughness to last in this demanding role—not everyone can handle the spotlight of being a Dallas Cowboys mistress.” Jones added that if he can’t find a permanent solution at the draft, he might opt for a three-woman mistress-by-committee approach.

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