ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the 51-year-old coach was slowly making his way across the vacant stands section by section, sources at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that Jim Harbaugh spent the entire day testing the view from every seat in the team’s stadium. “You can barely even see the other end zone from here—pathetic!” Harbaugh screamed to the empty arena while throwing his hands up in frustration, having reportedly arrived alone in the early morning to personally evaluate the vantage point from each of Michigan Stadium’s 110,000 seats. “Aw, c’mon, what the hell is this? You know what, can you explain to me how this whole section is this bad? Please? Bullshit—this is absolute fucking grade-A bullshit.” At press time, Harbaugh had sent Michigan’s athletic department an envelope containing a heavily annotated seating chart, a list of the 63,000 seat views he had found unsatisfactory, and a glowing 70-page report on section 25, row 12, seat 9, which he claimed is “exactly what the great sport of football is all about.”

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