Illustration for article titled John Cena Gets Argyle Wool Singlet Out From Cedar Chest In Preparation For AutumnSlam

TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his attic, professional wrestler John Cena took out his brown argyle singlet from a cedar chest in preparation for AutumnSlam, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I always love when October comes around because I get to snuggle up in my warm, cozy singlet and utterly annihilate a couple close challengers,” said Cena while removing his favorite V-cut wrestling uniform from the moth ball-filled chest before pressing his nose against it and fondly recalling the unforgettable kick-outs and stepover toehold facelocks from AutumnSlams past. “Really, what’s better than going up to New England as the leaves start to change and jumping off the ropes with a fist drop to your opponent’s head? Man, I’m getting excited just thinking about the warm apple cider mist Triple H always spits out after entering the ring.” At press time, sources confirmed Cena was quietly humming while stringing the new laces for his wool-lined, duck-toed wrestling boots.

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