DALLAS—Following the pro golfer’s historic collapse during the final holes of the Masters Tournament, Jordan Spieth’s family members confirmed Monday that they will probably wait a few days before asking him what the fuck happened. “It’s been a rough 24 hours for Jordan, so we’ll give him his space for a while before bringing up how badly he just shit the bed,” said Spieth’s mother, Christine, suggesting that the family’s Friday night dinner might be the most appropriate time to finally ask the 22-year-old how he managed such a mind-boggling choke job. “We’ll just have to dance around the fact that he really screwed the pooch for the next few days. There will be plenty of time to ask him what the hell he was doing out there. Right now, he needs to decompress and be alone with his thoughts.” Family members told reporters that any discussion of the nearly $1 million in prize money that Spieth missed out on would be avoided indefinitely.

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