TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice." "She's a squirter, so her vag was pretty much a fountain by the time I started fisting. She was so slick, I had to put on a batting glove to get some traction." Pitcher Clay Buchholz said he has not slept since last Wednesday, when Youkilis went on about the "foul smell of dried semen that collects in your belly button."
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