AUSTIN, TX—Embattled seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong held a press conference this morning to sternly reiterate that during his career he passed every easy-to-mask, ineffective doping test he was ever given. “Let me be entirely clear about this: I, like the hundreds of obviously juiced cyclists who also passed them, never failed one of those shitty tests that you can basically learn how to beat by reading Internet message boards,” Armstrong said. “I repeat: Those tests—which were easily defeated by such simple means as, say, injecting a chemical masking agent, re-transfusing blood, or creating a urine sample out of toilet water and a drop of yellow food coloring—always said I was clean. And anyone who says otherwise is a slanderer.” Armstrong concluded the press conference by challenging his accusers, saying he would retake any of his previously defeated doping tests “anytime, anywhere.”

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