AUSTIN, TX—Following formal charges of performance-enhancing drug use brought by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency against Lance Armstrong on Wednesday, Armstrong's longtime bicycle has stepped forward to take full responsibility. "I can no longer keep silent—it was me all along," said the bicycle, admitting it had engaged in a full regimen of transfusions, EPO use, and other forms of blood manipulation throughout Armstrong's entire career. "I was doping for every one of Lance's and my Tours de France, and now it's time for me to face the consequences. I apologize for what this has done to my family, to my friends, and to Lance, my longtime partner." Armstrong refused comment on the issue, saying only that he maintained his own innocence and hoped his bicycle would get the help it obviously needed.
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