Manchester United Calls Up Top-Rated Hooligan From Development League

Illustration for article titled Manchester United Calls Up Top-Rated Hooligan From Development League

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—In an effort to shore up their racist chants and back side vandalism before the upcoming season, Manchester United called up phenom hooligan Liam Ward Wednesday from its development program in Pub League 2. “Liam has been tearing it up, notching 7.6 broken beer bottles per match, nobody else can compete with that kind of relentless attacking,” said owner Joel Glazer, who claimed that even as an under-18 he was throwing people through windows at a pro level. “We have some of the best young ruffians and thugs in the league coming up through our hooligan academy. The homophobic insults they can throw around are truly on the cutting edge of football fandom. Our fans are excited to see talent like Liam break the legs of those twats from Man City.” At press time, Ward had been suspended three matches for use of performance-enhancing amphetamines.

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