Mel Kiper Touts Draft Pick’s Unprecedented Etiquette Rating From Miss Wiltshire’s Finishing School For Players

Illustration for article titled Mel Kiper Touts Draft Pick’s Unprecedented Etiquette Rating From Miss Wiltshire’s Finishing School For Players

CLEVELAND—Claiming he has the skills to transform a franchise’s dinner parties, NFL analyst Mel Kiper spent Thursday’s draft touting offensive tackle Christian Darrisaw’s unprecedented etiquette rating from Miss Wiltshire’s finishing school for players. “You have to watch the tape and see this guy having tea, his politeness is off the charts, a total game-changer,” raved Kiper, who noted that Darrisaw’s 114.27 etiquette score was more than 10 points higher than the elite deportment and social grace program had awarded to any college football player in almost 40 years. “From folding his napkin on his lap to his quick, powerful handshake this guy’s mechanics are picture perfect. We’re talking about a player who won’t need a single day of elocution training in the NFL, he’s ready to go on day one. In fact, Miss Wiltshire’s headmistress told me he is talented enough to have the best posture in the game by the end of the year.” At press time, Darrisaw was falling down teams’ boards after a late revelation that he had fabricated a charming anecdote during his exams.