Illustration for article titled Miamis Alleged Violations

As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to have happened:

  • Players forgot to give the NCAA a cut
  • While players waited for prostitutes to arrive, boosters would often get naked and tell players to go ahead and do whatever they wanted to tide them over
  • Hurricanes gave world Ray Lewis
  • All deals had to take place under the table, as Miami student-athletes don't understand how tables work
  • Free ketchup packets with every meal
  • After just a year or two, some players received the benefit of leaving Miami forever
  • Those keychains with the button that you push and they light up: They got those
  • Top-flight athletes were illegally paid for their on-field performances in nationally televised sporting events that legally made the school hundreds of millions of dollars
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