Michael Jordan Celebrates 50th Birthday With Last People He Hasn't Completely Alienated Yet

Illustration for article titled Michael Jordan Celebrates 50th Birthday With Last People He Hasnt Completely Alienated Yet

HOUSTON—In a small gathering of acquaintances, former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan reportedly celebrated his 50th birthday Sunday with the last five people on the planet whom the six-time NBA champion hasn’t totally alienated yet. “It’s great that everybody could be here to pay tribute to me,” said Jordan, addressing guests at the sparsely attended festivities, which included a bookie, two paid escorts, a nephew who still speaks to the five-time NBA MVP, and former Bulls center Bill Cartwright. “That’s a pretty sorry-ass pile of presents. Christ, you people are fucking losers.” At press time, Jordan had alienated every guest at his party and was alone eating a piece of cake.

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UPDATE: Furious Michael Jordan wanted fucking ice cream cake

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