Illustration for article titled Michael Phelps Banned From Having Any Contact With Water For 6 Months

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Calling the three-time Olympian’s recent arrest for driving under the influence a blatant violation of the organization’s code of conduct, USA Swimming reportedly banned Michael Phelps Monday from having any direct or indirect contact with water for six months. “We take these latest infractions very seriously and they require significant consequences; therefore, over the next six months, Mr. Phelps will be barred from having any personal or professional interactions with water,” said USA Swimming executive director Chuck Wielgus in a statement to the media, citing the suspension’s stipulations that Phelps refrain from drinking, showering, or partaking in any sort of activity that puts him in close proximity to the liquid over the next 24 weeks. “There’s been some precedent with other athletes who were banned from going near any body of water for two to three months for similar transgressions, but seeing as this is Mr. Phelps’ second offense, he has to be punished accordingly. If he slips up, he’ll never touch water again.” At press time, Phelps was making preparations to drain all the water remaining in his body’s 37.2 trillion cells.


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