NEW YORK—With players, coaches, and executives around the league admitting that the sudden finish had taken them completely by surprise, sources confirmed that the Major League Baseball season ended Thursday night over 200 days earlier than expected after new rules designed to make games take less time sped them up way too much. “We were anticipating that our new guidelines would reduce the amount of time in a nine-inning game, but we absolutely weren’t expecting that the average game would take only one minute and three seconds to play,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, adding that rules designed to limit mound visits and cut down on commercial breaks ended up accelerating game times to such a degree that the first half of the season wrapped up at around 4:48 p.m. yesterday afternoon. “We definitely did see the games go much faster than last year, especially during the three-hour second half of the season. But then after the Milwaukee Brewers beat the Houston Astros 7-6 in a thrilling four-minute, 12-inning game to clinch the World Series title in six, we realized the season was over. The league would like to congratulate Mike Trout on his MVP-winning Triple Crown season, as well as the Brewers’ Chase Anderson on his surprise Cy Young campaign. We’ll see you all in 2019, I guess.” Sources confirmed that among those disappointed by the results of the season were the New York Yankees, who barely finished above .500 after slugger Giancarlo Stanton missed over 70 games while he was in the bathroom.
More from The Onion