Illustration for article titled MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name

NEW YORK—Thanking God that he has been able to navigate both the pandemic and national conversation on racism without a single person being able to call him out, the MLS commissioner told reporters Tuesday he was relieved nobody actually knows him by name. “Rob Manfred is swamped with people attacking him every day, meanwhile we’re getting ready to restart and I haven’t heard a thing because most fans, and even reporters, wouldn’t be able to pick me out of a police lineup,” said the commissioner, who claimed he’ll often go completely unrecognized at MLS games and sometimes even in his own office. “My life could be so much harder right now. Nobody expects a statement from me about racism because nobody would even know who to ask. I could let fans back into the games and not hear a thing. I bet most of the players don’t even know who I am.” At press time, thousands of complaints about player safety had been delivered to the home of presumed MLS commissioner Landon Donovan.

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