TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just hours before his fight with Kyle Hendrix. "You ask if I’m ready? I feel ready for so many things—I'm ready to love and be loved, I'm ready to be a father, I'm ready to trust somebody so much it literally pains me to think about life without them," Schrode said in a pre-fight interview, pausing momentarily to grab the hands of several reporters and "take in the moment." "I'm not worried about winning or losing. Think of what we could accomplish if we weren't so worried about winning everything and instead focused on being—being together. That's the kind of champion I hope to become." Hendrix won Saturday's bout with a 27-second knockout, in the process breaking Schrode's orbital bone, collapsing his lung, and displacing a disk in the love-struck fighter's neck.
More from The Onion