WASHINGTON—Bracing themselves for what they know will be a long and arduous week, millions of Americans across the nation expressed their frustration Tuesday as they prepared to be continuously inundated with photos of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady lifting the Super Bowl trophy. “Well, this is gonna suck,” Omaha, NE resident Paul Webb said before opening his web browser, explaining that as soon as he opens any given sports website, he will inevitably be met with a giant picture of Brady holding up the Lombardi Trophy after the Super Bowl or during the Patriots’ championship parade. “It’ll be really annoying having to immediately scroll down just so I don’t have to see that smug asshole’s face smiling back at me while he wears a ‘Super Bowl XLIX Champions’ hat and confetti rains down around him, but I guess I don’t have a choice unless I toss my phone in the garbage and go live in the woods for the next seven days. The worst will be those grids of him hoisting four different Super Bowl trophies—Christ, even the thought of that makes me want to fucking puke.” The U.S. populace did, however, reportedly take some solace in realizing that the constant barrage of photos and articles about Brady and the Patriots doesn’t represent a drastic departure from the media’s normal, everyday sports coverage.
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